Zazen under the Covers.

Yesterday was a good day in so many ways. I did a lot of great things and spoke at length to some old friends. I didn’t stop speaking until gone eleven and so by the time I came to bed I was totally wired. I like to go to bed at the same time as Owen, as the pre sleep snuggle is of the highest quality (it just cannot be beaten). However, I was finding it really hard to wind down, and was getting more and more stressed about the night ahead.

We have a “once I’m there I’m there” rule which means that no matter how frustrated I get, once I have committed to being under those covers, that is where I stay (loo breaks aside). We do this because if I don’t have this rule then when I am this stimulated I will simply sit up all night on the internet drinking huge cups of black coffee or watching subtitled films on TV for weeks and weeks on end. By the end of the period I am high as a kite and it starts to get into this dangerous territory that often ends in a right old pickle.

So, the thinking goes, if I at least am in bed, then the chances are I’ll get more sleep than if I’m not. It may sound a bit fascist, but the rule is a good one and that’s why we keep it. If I get very frustrated I can maybe take a valium midway through the night, but we think sleeping tablets are a very last resort. So last night I was tossing and turning, arranging the bed clothes every seven seconds, partaking in many frustrated attempts at masturbation; you know the story. It was just once of those nights where sleep was so tantalisingly near, with the blackness and the comfort surrounding me, yet my brain synapses were firing off at an alarming rate and my thoughts just wouldn’t stop, or slow down.

I lay there getting angrier and angrier, yet without really thinking about it my mind started to drift into some of the mind quieting meditation techniques that I’ve been learning over the past few months . Although I wasn’t sat on my little stool and that felt strange, and of course this wouldn’t be how I normally meditate, it felt like there was no harm trying.

Well, it worked a treat. I did “Zazen”, laid down, under the covers for only a few minutes and by the end of it I was so relaxed and peaceful. I felt big waves of calm wash over me, and I was soon like a different person. It was so nice just to have a technique in my armory that quietens the mind and stills the body. I watched the breath, my muscles relaxed and soon I was asleep.

In the end, I got six hours, much better than I feared I would. Now I feel great. I am ready to face another day of treadmills, phone calls and washing up.

I so often struggle with sitting. It is often so hard to focus and usually turns into a battle against all the bad habits engrained in me since birth. I sometimes look at my meditation stool and think of it as a war zone. It is nice then, be able to relax into practice and gain some real peace from it. Even if I was clutching a teddy!