Killing Time, Waiting for Sleep.

Things you are afraid of: Scream man, sharks, snakes, wasps, having to kiss/hug strangers as a greeting, TV announcers late at night, the sea, choking, hell, public speaking, aeroplanes, looking stupid, panic attacks, forgetting peoples names, stand up comedy where they pick on the audience, role playing in interview situations, dementia, the dentist, Owen dying, hallucinations, my dark side.

Things that make you laugh: Owen, my Dad, too many TV shows to mention, my likeness to Lisa Simpson, being tickled, bouncy castles, running for busses, nerd sex, geek humour, TV Chefs, Rhodri, getting drunk with friends, near death experiences (or the exhilaration afterwards), cats falling out of trees, my sixth form poetry, Bill Hicks, Ricky Gervais, Jack Dee (and many others,) pigeon English, silly puns, The God Channel, my own general incompetence, making three letter words during 'Countdown', The Mark Steel lectures, politically incorrect humour, things that make you cringe, Mr Bean, adverts from the 1950’s, panel shows, pretentious people who are at the same time incredibly thick, life in general.

Things that make you cry: Too many films to mention, my parents going back home after visiting for the day, Owen shouting at me, letting people down, 'Epitaph' by Badly Drawn Boy, getting caught doing something bad, guilt, arguments, period pain, people saying they are proud of me, death, old peoples homes, anniversaries, too much whiskey, my brothers calling me fat, failing at anything, looking through old photographs, compilation CDs from people I’m no longer friends with, beautiful scenery, Winnie the Pooh, saxophone solos, 'Strange Fruit' by Nina Simone, hurting people I love, regrets, stubbing my toe, falling over, weddings of people who really love each other.

Things you love: Myself, Owen, Popple, all those close to me, people in general, piglet from Winnie the Pooh, Charles Bukowski, chocolate, long walks, sunshine, conversation, alcohol, sex, drunken sex, pushing limits, connection, collaboration, reading, blowing open doors of perception, The Buddha, Ajahn Brahm, The Guardian, real coffee, masturbation, Tesco DVD Rental, good wine, bad wine, forests, churches and their graveyards, cats, singing, erotica, writing, politics, a good snog, moonlit dancing, friendship, words and language, intelligence, impermanence, meditation, turkish delight, hobnob biscuits, going to The Willow, tea, Dr Pepper, philosophy, travelling light, visiting friends, watching TV naked, foreign films, all good music, Benjamin Franklin, my huge feet, when Yorkshire men call me ‘petal’, cooking new meals, playing the same song on repeat, overanalysing, The Marquis de Sade.

Things you hate: Looking at photographs of myself, people who can’t admit it when they don’t know something, anyone who looks down on anyone else for whatever reason, ignorance, competition, slavery in all its many forms, being touched on my neck, computer problems, people who diss feminists without really understanding anything about them, corporate capitalism, the arms trade, old peoples homes, right wing religion, drunken drivers, people who fish for compliments constantly, those people who when clothes shopping just throw wrong sized clothes on the floor and don’t pick them up, my chin, general selfishness.

Things you don't understand: Most things in the world including but by no means limited to: maths, science, any language that isn’t English, art (as in paintings and stuff), dance, Chinese opera, the rules of the road, The Karma Sutra, people who like George Michael or shoe shopping or badly written fiction. Why anyone would want to own a tarantula as a pet, why vanilla ice cream and chocolate custard tastes better than anything on earth, car maintenance, flower arranging, how to fix an Mp3 player, the intricacies of anything historical before 1900.

Things you're good at: Identifying other people’s strengths, comforting people who are suffering, explaining stuff, reading fast, keeping myself occupied, putting words together in an order that makes some people want to read them, thinking too much.

Things you suck at: Spending too much time alone, running, eating small portions, remembering to phone people and other people’s birthday’s, asserting my will in a conflict, cracking one liners, making light of a serious situation, tidying up, remembering to dust once a fortnight, paying council tax on time, reading books right through till the end, sitting through long films, taking photographs, driving, controlling my addictive personality.

Things on your desk: I don’t really have a desk. There is the computer table and that mainly has stationary and a computer on it. There is a phone from when I phoned my mum earlier, and a mug from the tea I just had. That’s it really.

Right now you are: Jigging my leg, very sleepy, listening to Voxtrot through the stereo, waiting for Owen to finish watching a Russian film before we go to bed, hungry, tired of racking my brain for facts about myself.

Facts about you: Oh, enough of the narcissism already. I think I’ve talked enough.

Things to do before you die:
Tie the rope to the beam and kick the stool from underneath me.

(Sorry…. depressives joke)

Time for bed, I think!

Muso

Recently Owen has taken to calling me a ‘muso’. He usually says it whilst rolling his eyes and poking me in the flab on my stomach. He soon got wind of the fact that this label annoyed me greatly and started using it all the more. Now he uses it with a glee so infuriating it makes me want to smash his face in. Every time I innocently mention a band I like he says; ‘is that the hip word on muso street?’ or ‘oh really? They’re good are they oh wise muso one?’ or just plain and simple ‘Shut up you fucking muso, I know you like them - there hasn’t been anything else coming out of the stereo for the past seven days.’

My retort (through gritted teeth): 'I am not a fucking muso.'

Reasons I am not a muso:

1. I do not have an Encyclopaedic knowledge of the trainspotting music stuff, my knowledge about record labels, artwork, managers, technical production, famous tours and limited edition singles even of my most favourite bands is slim to none.

2 I do not worship vinyl and proclaim it’s the only true way to hear music. I like my CD’s. Mp3’s are even better, and you don’t have to trudge round obscure shops in Manchester in the pouring rain on a Saturday afternoon to collect and listen to them.

3. I do not masturbate over mint condition 1960’s editions of the NME and Rolling Stone. I don’t in fact, read music magazines full stop; I think they are just big corrupt advertising vehicles mostly full of egotistical and talentless bitter male writers who very rarely have anything interesting to say at all. I read more grassroots zines and weblogs but even then I mostly laugh at all the musos who take it all far too seriously.

4. Some of the bands I like are obscure but I am not attracted to obscurity for its own sake. I do not feel cheated when one of my favourite bands becomes successful- in fact I say ‘good for them’ and keep on liking them, even if they do start having number one hit singles a la the streets and the arctic monkeys. I am quite happy to like a band that is tremendously popular as long as they are good.

5. I am not competitive when it comes to music, live and let live is what I say. I get sick of these musos who get into the whole ‘bragging’ thing:

Muso 1: ‘Dogbeard…yeah…well I saw them back in their peak, in 1992 when they performed an impromptu session on a park bench and then vomited in their guitar.’

Muso 2: ‘Oh really? Well I saw them a year before that in the good old days when they performed a homecoming gig at the tap and spile- and they did a live acoustic version of chickenfeatherblues by the spaghetti heads and then afterwards the lead singer ate the microphone.’

That kind of shit just makes me want to eat my own head, or at least bash their two idiotic ones together until they are unconscious.

6. I would never, ever judge a person or a friendship on their taste in music. My best friend loves Brittany spears and James blunt yet we’ve never had one argument about it. If she wants to listen to horrible cheesy pop that’s her prerogative, but I can keep in perspective that this doesn’t, whatever musos might think, make Marie a superficial or brainless person, she is in fact one of the deepest most complex thinkers I have ever talked with. She just doesn’t get her kicks in the same place I do, that’s all. People who judge people on what they listen to must miss out on so many friendships, I don’t want to let anyone slip through the net.

7. I am not obsessed with mix tapes and compilations. I make the odd one or two but this is a side of muso behaviour that I have never really gotten into.

8. When you ask me what my favourite song of a particular artist is, I am much more likely to say one of their singles rather than some obscure B side on a Japanese limited edition import.

9. I do not sneer when I disagree with someone’s musical opinion.

10. I have fully grasped the concept that music can sometimes just be background noise or something fun to do a silly dance to in the living room or mime with a hairbrush in front of the mirror- I get sick of people who take it all a bit too seriously. Music is there to enjoy and entertain as well as all the deeper stuff.

11. I do not quote lyrics obsessively and fastidiously. In fact, even when I try to remember them, I usually forget. Even when I was playing songs that I had written in a band, I had to write the lyrics down on scraps of paper for when my mind went blank when I was performing.

12. I can stop talking about music. I am not one of these musos who keep on going and going even when everyone else has fallen asleep. I do talk about it quite a lot, but, there are other things in life as well, ya know?

13. I have never been to a festival

14. I have never been to a ‘secret’ gig.

15. I wouldn’t have a clue as to what the top ten albums right now are. Let alone the top ten indie albums.

16. I don’t listen to the radio for the same reasons I don’t read magazines. They are just corporate sponsored music pushers who play the same bands and songs again and again. I don’t want to fill my head with their sycophantic crap.

So, thus proves I am not a fucking muso. Whatever Owen says.

Yes, I love, if not adore my music and it’s true, high fidelity is one of my all time favourite books. I am familiar with quite a lot of musical artists and am pretty picky in my tastes. When I’m not busy living life I may listen to four or five new albums a day. I find it nearly impossible to be in silence and I am surgically attached to my Mp3 player. I do indulge in totally nerdy behaviour like reading biographies of bands/ musicians and downloading their entire back catalogue, listening to each seminal song as I get to that part in the book. Even though I am not even in a band at the moment I am constantly writing down songs and lyrics for the day I have courage to one day start singing again. I quite often start conversations with friends and even strangers: what music are you into at the moment?

It’s not that I don’t admit to being a little bit obsessed with music, you see. But the macho muso culture is something I want no part of. So sure, I say to anyone who’s into their music; come round to my house, chill out and we’ll listen to some tunes. We’ll debate them passionately, laugh, weep, reminisce, hug, shout and sing together. We’ll revel in each others musical tastes, I’m always open to ideas and willing to learn. Say anything you like, anything at all and I won’t judge you. You can even say that Eels are a one trick pony or that Joni Mitchell can’t sing. But if you dare to call me a muso I swear I will not be held responsible for my actions and you might find yourself leaving with several less teeth than when you arrived.

Get Forked

I love rain. When I’m caught in a torrential downpour, I feel so alive. I love it when the heavens open and just let rip. Thunderstorms, the perfect combination of falling rain and deadly electrical forks are beautiful and thrilling. I never quite feel so lucky as when the hair stands up on my arms and I walk through the warm rain with flashes in the sky and deafening crashes of thunder watching the drama of nature unfold all around me. I love the smell in the air, the charge in the atmosphere, the fear in people’s eyes as they all scurry home to their brick boxes where they feel safe and protected. I love not being one of the scurriers, but one who flings her arms out with the sheer joy of it all, dances through puddles and opens my mouth to drink the heavy metallic tasting rain. I get scared, more so than in any horror movie but I somehow love feeling that I could die at any moment, that I am dicing with death. Yes, of course I am reassured by the odds of the situation, but still we’ve all seen the tree split down the middle, we’ve all heard the rumours of the kid who never made it home.

To me a walk in the thunder encapsulates both the sheer miracle of life as well as it’s transient nature; it makes me realise that I am not in charge here, that there are greater forces of work. I understand why humans have always given their head gods the thunderbolts. To see a fork of lightening, and be physically shaken by the many deafening claps of energy is both terrifying and exhilarating. You realise how tiny and fragile your body is, how at the mercy of chance you are every day you are alive. It makes you ask those kind of questions, the wondrous questions that you will probably never answer but are shaped in fascinating and beautiful ways simply by asking. To me, a walk in a thunderstorm is the spiritual equivalent of drinking ten cans of red bull, I come home from one of my long strolls feeling like I am bursting out of my own skin, like I have connected with the essence of energy itself. So, if there is one thing I would recommend for you to do this summer, especially if you have not done it before, go and walk in one of the steaming summer thunderstorms. Go alone, and take your time, but not an umbrella. Sing. Shout. Get somewhere quiet. Go out to nature. If possible, walk near water. There is nothing more spectacular than watching the lightening reflect in the lapping waves of a lake or river. Take my advice; get truly and properly forked up this summer. You will not regret it.

A rare fashion post

I'm not really into clothes. Not really. In fact, I think you could reasonably put me in the bottom 1% of "people who are interested in clothes". I don't go clothes shopping, I don't dream of shoes or bags or hats. Most of my clothes are 10 years old and are usually hand me downs or presents from other people.

However, call me an overgrown adolescent, but I have a weakness for T shirts. T shirts with funny/clever or political slogans. T shirts to make you think. In your face, wear your heart on your sleeve (or tits) kind of things. Things to make people look and wonder and smile. Even, if I'm being very brave, things to piss people off.

I haven't bought any recently because we've been so short of cash for, say, the last seven years. But I stumbled across this site and I think it might be an incredibly dangerous find.

Just for starters:

This one

and

This one

and

This one

Gosh I feel dirty now. Must go an wash away all the consumer capitalist scum. Out damn spots goddamit!

A Fun Kind of Introduction.

1. I am left handed
2. I never wear matching socks, its not a superstition, it’s a trademark
3. I learnt saxophone and piano up to grade 8. Its one of my biggest regrets that I have let my music slide so much over the last few years.
4. I can sing quite well.
5. I wear mostly charity shop clothes, mainly because I can’t stand going in high street clothes stores, they makes me feel really creepy *shudder*
6. My favourite football team is Sheffield Wednesday. They’re a bit rubbish. But I stick with them out of loyalty and nostalgia.
7. My favourite flavour crisp is woucester (sp?) sauce.
8. I bite my fingernails to the point that they sometimes bleed. and my toenails.
9. I am obsessive and have had lots of crazes over the years from sea monkeys to heavy metal.
10. I have hazel eyes
11. I can’t remember names of/recognise actors. ever.
12. I can remember names of/recognise musicians.
13. I have frequent epiphanies.
14. I am easily amused
15. I flirted with paganism aged 17. My Christian parents threw a fit. I never went back.
16. The place I felt most at home in was Jerusalem.
17. I love long walks by the river.
18. I’m scared of the dentist.
19. I have really bad eyesight.
20. The first album I ever bought was micheal jacksons “Thriller”
21. I still have a soft spot for it, even now.
22. I have big feet for a girl. (size 8)
23. I once swam a mile. (my crowning sporting achievement)
24. I am a cat person who has never owned a cat.
25. On a bad day, I get scared off by things I think will be too difficult.
26. I would love to be a dominatrix for a day,
27. I am more naturally a submissive.
28. Death terrifies me.
29. I love jam on toast.
30. I ask a lot of questions.
31. In social situations, I often dislike talking about myself (I make up for this online J)
32. I blush easily.
33. I like camping, especially when it rains.
34. My favourite tipple is whiskey or red wine
35. I still don’t think of myself as an adult.
36. I have voted twice. Both times for the green party.
37. I really like petrol stations at night.
38. I consider myself a feminist, despite the bad press that we get.
39. Strangely, I find men easier to befriend than women.
40. I have many phobias.
41. Good writing gives me a mixed feeling of pleasure and jealousy.
42. I used to have a hospital radio show when I was 17. I pumped rock music onto the geriatric ward on a Saturday night. I don’t think anybody ever listened but I had a great time doing it.
43. I have a sweet tooth
44. I am a plus size. The two aren’t entirely unrelated.
45. I am devoted to my popple- the soft toy I have had since I was 5 years old. There is a big part of me that thinks she is alive. We have long conversations. She sleeps between me and owen.
46. My grandmother died of Alzheimer’s
47. I don’t have a favourite colour/ book/film/album etc. I’m not that decisive.
48. I smoked cigarettes for ten years until I quit my 35 a day habit three years ago. I used nicotine patches. I never want to smoke again.
49. I have never had an operation.
50. I used to wear braces on my teeth. They hurt like hell.
51. I was lead singer in a band for three years.
52. This is my 10th “website” since I was 15. I generally get bored of them and they eventually get taken down.
53. My parents are both music teachers.
54. I keep trying to learn guitar- but don’t seem to be a natural
55. We have over 500 CDs in our collection- arranged alphabetically
56. The name of my first pet was Jamie- she was a hamster
57. I have seen three dead bodies in my life
58. I was addicted to marijuana. For a while, I lived for it. I stopped after a bad episode and haven’t smoked for four years.
59. I have eaten sheeps brain and tripe.
60. In the last eight years I have lived in 8 different houses
61. I hate moving house
62. I like my curries sweet and creamy.
63. I periodically attempt to keep a journal. I’ve never managed more than 6 months in one go.
64. I can’t dance.
65. I have a terrible memory.
66. My favourite pizza topping is seafood.
67. I am the most untypical leo you’ll ever meet.
68. I prefer to wear trainers rather than shoes.
69. I love jokes and quotations but can never remember them at the appropriate times.
70. I find it difficult to walk anywhere without being plugged into my Mp3 player
71. I have been married for two years, almost to the day.
72. Like any good British Citizen I am totally and helplessly addicted to tea.
73. I am a republican. I hate the monarchy and all it stands for.
74. Our flat has four rooms. It’s very old, built in the 16th century. .
75. I try to meditate daily.
76. The Sims is my favourite computer game. Although sometimes I find it horrendously depressing.
77. I just love the internet.
78. I find online socialising much easier than real life get togethers.
79. I guess that makes me a geek.
80. I used to be an insomniac. Now I sleep all the time.
81. The phrase that made me blush the most when someone used it to describe me is “still waters run deep.”
82. I read a lot, and I read fast.
83. The most true thing I have heard today is “you’re gonna reap just what you sow” in Lou Reed’s “perfect day”.
84. I believe we are all deeply brainwashed
85. Every day I try to get a little bit closer to obtaining a free mind
86. I believe life begins at birth.
87. I generally get very disturbed by horror films.
88. I’m very sensitive.
89. The newspaper I read is “the Guardian”
90. I tend to idealise ancient Greece.
91. I used to be obsessed with radio phone in shows.
92. I have a bad habit of making unhealthy friendships.
93. I like listening to music whilst reading the lyrics.
94. I haven’t been to a gig for over a year.
95. My worst flaw- I hate conflict and I try to be everyone’s friend. I want everybody to be happy so sometimes find it hard to tell the truth.
96. My love is intense, generous, loyal and passionate.
97. I have a dirty mind.
98. I snort when I laugh really hard.
99. Doing this list took me a week.
100. I think too much.