Warning, friends of Jen, I am going to talk frankly about sex in the following article. If you think you might find this disturbing, look away now!
3. I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct (adultery, rape, exploitation, etc).
Number three, the way I interpret it is simple, and will, I think, be easy to keep. Buddha, if he was teaching now, however, might disagree. The way I see it though, I do refrain from sexual misconduct; I am a married woman and even when temptation has sometimes come along, I have never cheated on O and hopefully never will. I define cheating as sleeping with somebody else, or doing anything sexually (even kissing) with somebody else behind his back. As for the heavy stuff, I have never raped anyone, sold someone in to sex slavery, prostitution or supported someone who did. Just to clear that up! I don’t even watch porn very often, hardly at all. I think, sexually, I am reasonably ethical. I try to be a caring, considerate lover, in the bedroom and out. I put O's needs first, and am enthusiastic about making sure he is satisfied. Sure, there’s the whole lust thing. I have a (very) dirty mind and sometimes get the occasional crush on people other than O, and once or twice I’ve, hand on heart, got a bit too carried away; started wondering if I should propose a threesome to get it out of my system! But, at least so far, its all been strictly mental activity only. To be fair, I have always told O honestly about how I’m feeling and never tried to conceal anything from him. And he tells me when he has a silly crush himself, and I have always been understanding about that in return.
After all, we’re human, we have human urges, and I believe that a lot of problems happen in relationships when you start lying about those urges or pretending to yourself that they’re not happening. Even in the past when those urges have got a bit out of hand, I’m glad that I was honest about them rather than covering them up. So I guess that if I’m going to have a problem with any of this precept, it’s going to be if people start demanding that I’m mentally pure. Fuck that. I love O more than myself, he knows that, and we are going to be together forever, but, newsflash, it’s not only men who have problems keeping their eyes to themselves. I can’t help but notice the fit Rastafarian businessman who uses the pool at the same time as me. I can’t stop my eyes lingering over his body and pausing in certain interesting places. Call it weakness, call it nature, call it what you will, sometimes I simply can’t help myself.
As well as a wonderful, loving and exciting sex life with O, I also have a healthy relationship with my vibrator, and if Buddha is going to have a problem with that, then I might have a problem with him. Fantasy and imagination are a big part of my sexual drive, and masturbation plays a big role in that, and always has. And guess what? My sexual fantasies aren’t all big bunches of flowers and running through long grass being kissed under the old Oak tree by a tall dark stranger like Mills and Boon writers would have you believe. I do not, either, as Ann Summers suggests, fantasise about a stripper with an oiled chest, a 13” cock and an even bigger ego. These, in my experience are not what most women fantasise about. In reality we’re often a lot darker, a lot more twisted than that. As the title of a certain best selling book goes: ‘screw the roses, send me the thorns’, and I think a lot of women can relate to that.
3. I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct (adultery, rape, exploitation, etc).
Number three, the way I interpret it is simple, and will, I think, be easy to keep. Buddha, if he was teaching now, however, might disagree. The way I see it though, I do refrain from sexual misconduct; I am a married woman and even when temptation has sometimes come along, I have never cheated on O and hopefully never will. I define cheating as sleeping with somebody else, or doing anything sexually (even kissing) with somebody else behind his back. As for the heavy stuff, I have never raped anyone, sold someone in to sex slavery, prostitution or supported someone who did. Just to clear that up! I don’t even watch porn very often, hardly at all. I think, sexually, I am reasonably ethical. I try to be a caring, considerate lover, in the bedroom and out. I put O's needs first, and am enthusiastic about making sure he is satisfied. Sure, there’s the whole lust thing. I have a (very) dirty mind and sometimes get the occasional crush on people other than O, and once or twice I’ve, hand on heart, got a bit too carried away; started wondering if I should propose a threesome to get it out of my system! But, at least so far, its all been strictly mental activity only. To be fair, I have always told O honestly about how I’m feeling and never tried to conceal anything from him. And he tells me when he has a silly crush himself, and I have always been understanding about that in return.
After all, we’re human, we have human urges, and I believe that a lot of problems happen in relationships when you start lying about those urges or pretending to yourself that they’re not happening. Even in the past when those urges have got a bit out of hand, I’m glad that I was honest about them rather than covering them up. So I guess that if I’m going to have a problem with any of this precept, it’s going to be if people start demanding that I’m mentally pure. Fuck that. I love O more than myself, he knows that, and we are going to be together forever, but, newsflash, it’s not only men who have problems keeping their eyes to themselves. I can’t help but notice the fit Rastafarian businessman who uses the pool at the same time as me. I can’t stop my eyes lingering over his body and pausing in certain interesting places. Call it weakness, call it nature, call it what you will, sometimes I simply can’t help myself.
As well as a wonderful, loving and exciting sex life with O, I also have a healthy relationship with my vibrator, and if Buddha is going to have a problem with that, then I might have a problem with him. Fantasy and imagination are a big part of my sexual drive, and masturbation plays a big role in that, and always has. And guess what? My sexual fantasies aren’t all big bunches of flowers and running through long grass being kissed under the old Oak tree by a tall dark stranger like Mills and Boon writers would have you believe. I do not, either, as Ann Summers suggests, fantasise about a stripper with an oiled chest, a 13” cock and an even bigger ego. These, in my experience are not what most women fantasise about. In reality we’re often a lot darker, a lot more twisted than that. As the title of a certain best selling book goes: ‘screw the roses, send me the thorns’, and I think a lot of women can relate to that.
You know what else? I’m unapologetic for this. I don’t feel guilt or shame, that’s one of the reasons I can post this on such a public forum. I think its part of a healthy, natural sexual life and part of being a liberated woman is allowing yourself to come to terms with these desires. I can’t imagine anything worse than the bland, missionary focused orgasm faking sex life that frankly, so many women in Britain have to endure on a daily basis. By having a sexual relationship with myself, as well as with my husband I am able to be more explorative, mentally and physically, and more satisfied as I know my own body better and how it works so well. I don’t know where Buddhism really stands on issues like this, but if he is foolish enough to attempt it, Buddha is going to have one hell of a time trying to separate me from my rabbit! So yes, precept three is very much a matter of interpretation. I suspect my concepts of sexuality may differ somewhat from the Buddha’s who did not live in an age of sex toys and pornography. However, I hope that if I were in conversation with him today, he could see that, in my sexual conduct, I do try to be ethical, loving, and respectful even if it’s not the way things have traditionally been done.
7 comments:
I can't see that Buddha would have too much of a problem...
Awww... your warning got me expecting really graphic detail... you know the sort of thing you really want to hear about your friends and at the same time you definitely never want to hear.
Sometimes I think that the sexual revolution has been unfair in terms of masturbation. You see now days women are in general fine with it whereas men tend to feel a bit guilty... well at least I know a few men who do, some men In know don't...
Really I guess its related to the nature of orgasm. If I could get off as well through masturbation as I can through other sexual acts then I guess I wouldn't have the energy to feel guilty or hollow etc... whereas I guess that often masturbation for women has more chance of being satisfying.
Anyway whatever... Buddha should be down with all that, and if he isn't then I reckon you should find some other non-divine divinity. Anyway, isn't Buddha really about how you choose to perceive him and so if you think that given your interpretation of his teachings he'd be find with your sexuality then he would be fine with your sexuality.
x
d
RE: sexual revolution comment - I mean women of our generation and men of our generation rather than all of men and women. I should imagine their are loads of women of other generations to who masturbation is taboo let alone guilt making.
Er... add to that women of our generation and cultural awareness because its not a universally embraced thing across religions and cultures...
fuck it just forget the comment all together. Basically I'm just jealous of the female orgasm, but I'll gladly never experience that if it means I miss out on having periods etc...
I know you told me to forget the comment, but I think it’s a good one and raises an interesting point, so that’s not going to happen! Forgive me for ignoring your instructions and going off on a little tangent here!
I don’t think the sexual revolution has been unfair at all, and I think for most women, even in our culture and generation, exploring their own bodies is a hugely shameful or at least embarrassing subject to talk about. Growing up as a teenage girl masturbation was a deeply, deeply taboo subject that you never mentioned to anyone, not even your closest friends. If the subject in a truth or dare game ever did arise, everyone would venomously deny that they did it, even though we blatantly were. The boys in my year on the other hand, were making wank jokes all the time, sneaking porno mags into maths lessons and you even heard whispered stories (of whose truth I am unsure) of some boys getting together, watching porn and cracking one off as a group. Regardless, there was a great acceptance at my school that boys did it, girls (especially ‘good’ girls) just did not. This is demonstrated by the fact that masturbation was mentioned and talked about in the boys sex ed, and never even broached in the girls one. We just weren’t expected to do it. My religious parents gave my brothers leaflets and lectures on the subject, warning them of the perils of sinful solo action, whereas the subject was never even deemed to be of importance to me. It never occurred to them that I, as a teenage girl had a collection of pornography hidden under the mattress. Or that the reason I sat up late at night on the computer when everyone else was asleep was not because I was doing my schoolwork but because I was having filthy and depraved conversations with middle aged men in internet chatrooms (and loving every minute of it).
The consequence of this denial of female teenage sexuality is that when, as a girl, you are going through it, especially right after climax, you feel isolated and alone. You feel sick, you feel ashamed, you feel dirty. You feel like you are not being ‘good’ and, coupled with a religious upbringing, there’s’ the whole concept of sin to deal with as well. I know these negative feelings can be common emotions for boys as well, but what I don’t think many of my male friends had is that sense of freakishness and extreme loneliness that I endured for years of my life. Your male ‘wank culture’ even if it was just silly jokes about wrist action and going blind meant that you were part of a group consciousness, which is something that teenage girls are severely lacking. The fact that I perceived myself to be the only one doing it, the only one with these urges tore me up inside. The fact that I had learnt to satisfy my self in a much more fulfilling and enjoyable way than those spotty clueless boys who would fumble in my knickers at the park filled me with confusion. Man, I thought, I am such a fucking freak! And I guarantee you, half the girls in my school were thinking the same damn thing.
Maybe it’s different now. Maybe fifeteen years later Anne summers has done some good and teenage girls take their rabbits to school and talk about the incredible experience they had last night fisting themselves in the shower. Somehow though, I doubt it. I doubt much has changed at all. Good girls are expected to be sexually pure or at least man dependent, and I bet, up and down the country, there are still girls crying themselves to sleep because they feel like sluts for doing something that is natural and could be joyous.
In terms of older women, more confident women, more liberated women; yes some of us have gotten over the guilt, got angry about the shame, and now talk about our masturbatory lives openly. We try and change society, educate other women about the joys of self exploration. We try not to get embarrassed when we talk about these things that at the end of the day are still deeply personal and still fairly raw nerves. We try not to shy away from things our mothers shied away from talking about with us. But, I think, we are few and far between. You just happen to be friends with a disproportionate number of us. When I do talk about masturbation, it is generally amongst friends, and even then I am still very careful with my words, and its something I feel very self conscious talking about,. Women are still heavily judged for being sexual. Not for being decorative sex objects as that is the encouraged expected norm, but for being proactively sexual and full of lust and craving themselves. Women are expected to be passive and man dependent, not empowered and self fulfilled. Women still aren’t really aware how to enjoy sex. You say you are jealous of the female orgasm, well yes so you should be in a way, it is deeply enjoyable! But the flip side of the coin is that the bigger payoff takes more skill and work, consequently one in four women have never even experienced one. This is a tragedy that can’t be said to be true of men, and hardly a sign that we are as equally comfortable and experienced with our bodies as men are. This is why I fundamentally disagree with the above comment. This is why we need to educate women how to really satisfy themselves, not just throw vibrators at them as another consumer commodity, to sit as a novelty present in their underwear drawer. We need to teach them how to use them, how to take control, how to live their fantasies, how to enjoy sex.
Even in our culture, masturbation for women, as it really is, not how it is sold to us by sex shops and porn channels, is still deeply taboo. I’m not saying that men shouldn’t reclaim their masturbatory lives as well; I believe in equality and want everyone to have a happy sex life. I know men have issues around all these areas too, but I feel grossly under qualified to talk about them. I can only go on what I know and what I have lived through. My early sexual years were quite traumatic because of the wall of silence that surrounds female pre pubescent and teenage sexuality and I hope, by being honest about my experiences I can make life a bit easier for the next generation
How did the crazy day go? Did you have fun meeting your artist and at the rehearsal?
jx
You are right... thats why I said ignore it!!
But you made a very good case against my completely wrong comment.
You are talking about a certain male culture however that has its own cruelties and complications. Only popular boys were able to boast about masturbation.
Wanking is certainly more excepted now for boys (re: loaded) and girls (anne summers).
But ultimately I find it unfullfilling whereas women who do it seem to find it fulfilling. Thus I get guilt and lack of satisfaction and they just get guilt (and if they're lucky they don't even get that.)
So for me it is a touchy subject. But clearly women have and perhaps still do have, the raw deal when it comes to expressing their sexualities.
The crazy day went well. Pipelines are being laid. Will tell you more some time when they have either been ripped away or succeeded!
x
I’m glad you didn’t mind me ignoring your wishes and going off on that rambly comment! Masturbation is a subject that I:
a)find fascinating
b)think a lot about
c)don’t get the chance to talk about much
I just jumped at the opportunity to vent! Writing down these thoughts is a great way of solidifying them in my mind, so I should point out that I was writing totally for my own benefit, not to educate you or anything!
Glad to hear about the pipelines, I wish them greatest luck and would love to hear about them anytime.
Jx
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